An Exposed Root

Birthplace of Indecisiveness

My father said to me over and over, “Honey you can do anything that you want to do badly enough.” Well, I wanted to fly. So my sister and I found Daddy’s largest golf umbrella and jumped off the swing set. We didn’t fly. We didn’t fly when we tried it off the roof either. No matter. My dreams continued to be comprised of flying sisters, furiously flapping little arms to stay afloat. It never occurred to me that flying was impossible.

As my flying years became driving years, I soon forgot about the golf umbrellas. But I hung on to my fear of choosing. Since, refusing to choose protected me from the failure to achieve my dreams, I became safely uncertain about everything. Or I decided at the last minute. Who could judge that? "Row surely would have done better had she had more time to decide. But, given the circumstances, she performed rather well don't you think." Sometimes I would put off deciding until only one alternative remained. Then it wasn't actually my choice right?

This distorted kind of thinking rarely goes away on its own. Experience has increased my awareness that there is, in fact, a problem. Yet, I still find myself strangely indecisive about most everything.

Where do you want to eat today Row? “Oh, I don’t know. You pick.” No, I want you to pick this time. “No, you know I just can’t do that. I’ll be happy with anything you pick…just no onions or garlic…..and it has to be clean in the restaurant’s kitchen.” Row, you must know where you want to eat if you have all those conditions. “Oh no, anywhere is fine. You decide. Just be sure the floors aren’t greasy. That’s always a bad sign.” Row, pick a restaurant right now. “No, really, I can’t and I don’t care. Plus I don’t know of any good restaurants because I don’t eat out very often.” OK Row, since you won’t pick, we are going to the same place we go every week. “OK, but you remember how gross you said it was last week don’t you?” Then pick another one Row. “Oh no, no, I’ll be happy at any place you choose. Just make sure they serve fresh vegetables.”

When we finally arrive somewhere, it starts all over. The waitress asks me what I would like to drink. “I’m a little cold, so maybe some hot tea……. Oh, but that doesn’t go with Mexican food. I have to have a coke.” OK, I’ll bring you a coke. “Make that a diet coke. Wait! Come back! Do you have any other kinds of diet sodas?” No ma'am. We only have diet coke. “Does it have a lot of fizz in it?” I don’t know ma’am. Would you like to try it? “No, I’m thinking I might just have iced tea. Do you have unsweetened iced tea?” Yes, we do. I’ll get that right out to you. “Wait! Do you have any limes or lemons?” Yes Ma’am, I’ll bring a little dish of them on the side. “OK, but wait. I need to ask you about the sweeteners. All I see here are these pink packets. These are bitter and they cause cancer in laboratory animals.” I wasn’t aware of that ma’am. “Well, that’s why I need those yellow packets. There isn’t anything bad out about those yet.” Ma’am, we don’t have the yellow packets. “I see. Well, I guess I’ll just have water then…..with a lime.”

With this degree of difficulty in the smaller decisions, I have had to come up with a method to make the larger ones. I have learned to make them quickly, without giving much consideration to alternatives, and usually waiting until the last possible second. My marriage was no exception.

After the sending of the wedding invitations, we started having fear that we would be the "runaway bride and groom" because of our indecisiveness. We were discussing this one day on our lunch hours from work. We decided that we should just drive to the courthouse and get married right then. It was great! We had a little ceremony and then returned to our respective jobs. A few weeks later, the wedding went on as planned but we were much more settled about it. If you are reading this, the thought "this girl needs serious help" has probably crossed your mind by now. Well I am getting that help.

I am blessed to be under church teaching that stresses the meaning of GRACE. Over and over I have heard that God's strength is made perfect in my weakness as I allow Him to live through me. I am also aware that I can do all things through Christ. (even make decisions and commitments) I am a coward who has a KING for a father. My earthly father is long gone but I can still "go ask Daddy what to do." My heavenly father will not only direct my steps but he will give me the power to take them.

Randy Pope, author and lead Pastor/Teacher of Perimeter Church in Atlanta, extends the following challenge to Christians: He says,

"Attempt something so great for God that it is doomed to failure unless God be in it.” John Haggai

Heavenly Father, Enable me to abandon my faithlessness in refusing to choose. May I trust You for the outcome of each decision placed in Your hands. Fill me with Your wisdom so that I will choose Your best. Lead me to make courageous choices as I recognize that You alone are able.