Row’s Testimony
I've written my testimony every year for the past four years.
Every year it changes because I know a little more about how little I know.
I have been a Christian for so long that I have no memories of life any other way. As a child I had a habit of “aisle walking” at church services and revivals, not limited to ones preached by my uncle, my brother, or my cousin. I lived with guilt and the red carpet marathon had a way of shaking the etch-a-sketch of spirituality for me.
Though the term Grace was not unfamiliar to me, its power was minimized by well meaning friends, works theologians and the urgent matters of day to day life. My mother was from the Deep South and she talked like someone from the Deep South. She used words like marvelous, splendid, and gracious. I thought Grace was gracious, you know, nice to people. So God was “being nice” when He sent his son to die.
I was taught to be nice to people too, even when I didn’t like those people. I figured God didn’t like me either because of my sin, but that He was “being nice.” I wanted Him to really like me though, so I tried to perform for Him. Unfortunately every time the big smile on my face reached center stage, I fell right on my head. I was sure that He would never be truly pleased with me and I lived in fear of Him “taking me out” over it.
With all of the “how to” classes and seminars available on how to live the Christian life, I became more and more indoctrinated with subtle deception. I was taught that it was my responsibility to “be good” and therefore “be pleasing to God” and therefore “get blessed by God.” The Christian life was about performing correctly to Get God to bless me. It was my life and it was all about me.
My first awareness of two way relationship with God came at a Wales Goebel conference in Panama City Florida. After skipping meetings all day in favor of the beach, I felt drawn to a Friday night meeting led by a man named Howard Borland. I hardly recall how I ended up on my knees at the front of the room that night.
From that time on, I felt drawn to read the Bible. I began to understand scripture better and recognize personal applications for my life. God had called me and I knew it. I was still puzzled about why. I knew I wasn’t good enough.
Being “good” was important in my family. My father heralded self-discipline to be the greatest of all personal strengths. He taught us girls to set goals and to do our very best to achieve them. I read Christian books. I went to conferences. I asked for Spiritual guidance from other religious people. And I was reinforced by spiritual leaders, the church, and my family to keep trying hard to get it right so that God would bless my life. And I forgot about both God and Grace. Well, Grace was just a nice word anyway. I knew deep down that God wanted me to shape up.
As I worked hard to get approval from God and others, I did a lot of deep thinking, studying, and “figuring God out.” The idea of getting to know, much less of learning to love God, rarely crossed my mind. It is a lot easier to read about and study about God than it is to get to know Him. Knowing God does not compute in the rational brain. Furthermore…it’s kind of scary!
My faith has almost always been about me, all about me. How am I doing? Is God pleased with my life? Am I discerning this great plan He has for my life? When is He going to send me on my great mission? Will I be equipped? How am I looking? Who’s watching me? Do they like me?
I feel tremendous pressure when I measure my performance against a standard, much more so when the standard is perfection. I keep forgetting that Christ already took care of that. I can talk about grace with eloquence. Why does my snap response to most life situations continue to be “the same old self discipline?” I try. I fail. I feel terrible. Depression has come close to immobilizing me a number of times in my life. Perhaps I have a chemical imbalance. However, I recently suspect that my depression may be a consequence of not resting in a grace that I can’t earn, so I can’t lose.
What is resting in grace anyway? I spend most of my time trying to stay in control by Figuring Out God’s thoughts, motives, & plans. This is nothing but an unholy attempt to control my own life, rather than allow God to control it. It is the reason Satan got kicked out of heaven and Adam got kicked out of the garden. And it’s the root cause of “FOG brain” for a number of Christians.
I have been a Christian for so long that I have no memories of life any other way. As a child I had a habit of “aisle walking” at church services and revivals, not limited to ones preached by my uncle, my brother, or my cousin. I lived with guilt and the red carpet marathon had a way of shaking the etch-a-sketch of spirituality for me.
Though the term Grace was not unfamiliar to me, its power was minimized by well meaning friends, works theologians and the urgent matters of day to day life. My mother was from the Deep South and she talked like someone from the Deep South. She used words like marvelous, splendid, and gracious. I thought Grace was gracious, you know, nice to people. So God was “being nice” when He sent his son to die.
I was taught to be nice to people too, even when I didn’t like those people. I figured God didn’t like me either because of my sin, but that He was “being nice.” I wanted Him to really like me though, so I tried to perform for Him. Unfortunately every time the big smile on my face reached center stage, I fell right on my head. I was sure that He would never be truly pleased with me and I lived in fear of Him “taking me out” over it.
With all of the “how to” classes and seminars available on how to live the Christian life, I became more and more indoctrinated with subtle deception. I was taught that it was my responsibility to “be good” and therefore “be pleasing to God” and therefore “get blessed by God.” The Christian life was about performing correctly to Get God to bless me. It was my life and it was all about me.
My first awareness of two way relationship with God came at a Wales Goebel conference in Panama City Florida. After skipping meetings all day in favor of the beach, I felt drawn to a Friday night meeting led by a man named Howard Borland. I hardly recall how I ended up on my knees at the front of the room that night.
From that time on, I felt drawn to read the Bible. I began to understand scripture better and recognize personal applications for my life. God had called me and I knew it. I was still puzzled about why. I knew I wasn’t good enough.
Being “good” was important in my family. My father heralded self-discipline to be the greatest of all personal strengths. He taught us girls to set goals and to do our very best to achieve them. I read Christian books. I went to conferences. I asked for Spiritual guidance from other religious people. And I was reinforced by spiritual leaders, the church, and my family to keep trying hard to get it right so that God would bless my life. And I forgot about both God and Grace. Well, Grace was just a nice word anyway. I knew deep down that God wanted me to shape up.
As I worked hard to get approval from God and others, I did a lot of deep thinking, studying, and “figuring God out.” The idea of getting to know, much less of learning to love God, rarely crossed my mind. It is a lot easier to read about and study about God than it is to get to know Him. Knowing God does not compute in the rational brain. Furthermore…it’s kind of scary!
My faith has almost always been about me, all about me. How am I doing? Is God pleased with my life? Am I discerning this great plan He has for my life? When is He going to send me on my great mission? Will I be equipped? How am I looking? Who’s watching me? Do they like me?
I feel tremendous pressure when I measure my performance against a standard, much more so when the standard is perfection. I keep forgetting that Christ already took care of that. I can talk about grace with eloquence. Why does my snap response to most life situations continue to be “the same old self discipline?” I try. I fail. I feel terrible. Depression has come close to immobilizing me a number of times in my life. Perhaps I have a chemical imbalance. However, I recently suspect that my depression may be a consequence of not resting in a grace that I can’t earn, so I can’t lose.
What is resting in grace anyway? I spend most of my time trying to stay in control by Figuring Out God’s thoughts, motives, & plans. This is nothing but an unholy attempt to control my own life, rather than allow God to control it. It is the reason Satan got kicked out of heaven and Adam got kicked out of the garden. And it’s the root cause of “FOG brain” for a number of Christians.
FOG
Figuring Out God
It’s what I try to do
I want to be accepted like
A circumcised Jew
Figuring Out God
What does He want from me?
So many laws, I can’t recall
Just who I should be
Figuring Out God
I’m puzzled by His text
I search to stay one step ahead
Know what He’ll do next
Figuring Out God
I’m feeling so insane
His essence won’t compute in this
Degenerate brain
Figuring Out God
I want to scream and cry
So angry that I’m helpless
That my body will die
Figuring Out God
My brain is in a fog
I’m only sinking deeper
In my do-it-right bog
Figuring Out God
So I can pass the test
I want to get my God degree
And put all this to rest
Row Wood
As long as I strive to “get it right,” I will feel self righteous when my life goes well. And I will blame and loathe myself when all goes wrong. I do not have the power to get it right. But God is all power and all justice and all love. It is true that God is just. He can’t tolerate sin and requires a sacrifice for it. But He is powerful enough to have sent His son to earth to live a sinless life in an earthly body. And He loves us so much that He bore the pain of offering His son up as a sacrifice for our sins. (A thing he lovingly spared Abraham from experiencing, albeit at the last minute, with Isaac) Therefore I can be His, just as I am. I can boldly enter into His presence, filled with a lifetime of sin which is forgiven and covered with the righteousness of God’s son. I can come as I am, trusting Him for my righteousness.
..being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6
As God’s work continues in me, I feel more and more drawn to the safety of His presence. He is teaching me to abide in Him. This is no easy transition. As a youngest child, I was trained to depend upon others. After my father’s death this quit working for me. So I started depending upon me. I soon found out that I’m about as dependable as the folks around me. I can’t be trusted to do the right thing for myself or anyone else. Forgetting about Grace, I hang on tight to control.
Living in a state of forgotten Grace, I am programmed like a circus monkey to perform for my banana. This is all I have known for so long. I have treated God as a means to an end in a life that belongs to ME.
THE LAMB
(The Hope Eternal Living as Man’s Band-aid)
Applied just like a band-aid,
Removed to feel more free
Worn on backs of speeding cars
For all the world to see
Deciphered like a puzzle
Decoded as a map
Studied closely for the hope
Of comfort in man’s trap
Quoted to win arguments
Remembered to be right
Sought when other ways have failed
And there’s no hope in sight
Sung about with fervor until
Others hear a voice
Which drowns out words of healing
And no longer can rejoice
Found dangling on fine jewelry
Like garnish for the heart
An answer to all hopelessness
Yet only seen in part
A way to bond with others
The pretense of being free
A concept fully shaped by man
Just concept, never He
Row Wood
In the movie the Matrix, Neo had to make a choice between an outwardly comfortable illusion and an unfamiliar truth. In truth, Neo was a waterlogged corpse like human being who was plugged into a machine. This machine both kept him alive and fed him lies. The world was colorful and seemed to hold great potential for reward as long as he stayed plugged in. In truth the world was gray and ugly and long void of true hope.
Neo had a sense that reality was not as it seemed. Then, the great leader of the movement of truth contacted him. He was given a choice. Will you take the blue pill and continue in a beautiful false reality? Or will you take the red pill, and deal with heartbreaking loss in order to know the truth.
I’m surprised that Neo chose the red pill, given the consequences. God offers His kids the truth also. But He promises that the truth will set us free
and He promises Himself as our great reward.
(Click on Image to Enlarge)
Each day is new. Each hour is new. Each choice is new. Will I choose the red pill or the blue pill? Will I choose to use my own strength and place my hope in my circumstances? Or will I choose to rest in His choice for me, His everlasting, unchanging presence.
I am His and I know that. If I live this life, hoping in my circumstances, I will not know Him in my lifetime. He will not be my great reward on this earth. Still, releasing control is frightening for me. Will I abandon the beauty of my false hope? Will I give up what I actually see and replace it with One whom I only sense? Somehow I know that this invisible prize is far more wonderful that what the world places before me. A voice in my spirit calls to me saying.
“I AM YOUR GREAT REWARD.”
Each day is new. Each hour is new. Each choice is new. Will I choose the red pill or the blue pill? Will I choose to use my own strength and place my hope in my circumstances? Or will I choose to rest in His choice for me, His everlasting, unchanging presence.
I am His and I know that. If I live this life, hoping in my circumstances, I will not know Him in my lifetime. He will not be my great reward on this earth. Still, releasing control is frightening for me. Will I abandon the beauty of my false hope? Will I give up what I actually see and replace it with One whom I only sense? Somehow I know that this invisible prize is far more wonderful that what the world places before me. A voice in my spirit calls to me saying.
“I AM YOUR GREAT REWARD.”
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